Sleepless

So I figured now would be a good time to update my blog since I can no longer sleep anyway. That's one of the things I hate about being pregnant. You know you need the sleep, during the day you are so wiped out that you can't function, but come three in the morning you can't get comfortable, you have to pee, your nose is congested and you're hungry. After taking care of all those needs you are so wide awake that it's pointless to lay in bed. So I'm hoping to tire myself out enough on here that I can get a little sleep before the crow calls in the morning.

I know I normally use this spot to complain about the pains of being a mom. I think that's because there are so many truths out there about motherhood that no one ever told me. People always tell you, "being a mom is so great" and "children are such a blessing that it's all worth it." TV lies constantly, movies lie constantly. People are afraid to say what really goes on. They are afraid to say how they really feel about being a mom for fear that they will be criticized and pegged as a bad mother. I've already pegged myself as a bad mother, so I'm not afraid to tell everyone how terrible it really can be. I say that, yet I've never told anyone my blog's address for fear that I will be pegged as a bad mother.

In all reality, though, I truly adore my son. He is the light of my life. He may be the center source of all my pain, but he is also the true source of all my joy. He gives me a headache on a daily basis, but he is also the only one who can make me truly laugh on a daily basis. His clingyness drives me crazy, but I know that he loves me more than anyone in the world. Sometimes I wish for a day, a week or a month on my own, but I know that I can't live a minute without him. I think that's what they mean by it's all worth it. (the other crappy thing about being pregnant is that everything makes you cry said with tears streaming down her face).

When people say "it's all worth it" I often think to myself, 'when, when is it going to be worth it.' But you really have to look back at the days gone by to truly appreciate it. It's hard to think it's worth it when you're tired, sore, haven't showered in a week and have a screaming child hanging on your leg as you are trying to make supper and do the dishes at the same time. It's not worth it then. The time that it's worth it is at the end of the day (once the kid is asleep and the house is quiet) and you turn to your husband and say "Josiah said the cutest thing today." Or when you are laying in bed and you tell your spouse "our son is so sweet, today he came up and gave me a big kiss." Or when you can't stop giggling to yourself about all the funny things he did just to make you smile.

I think God gave most moms a sort of amnesia. He made them forget all the bad moments that fill up most of the day, and allowed them only to remember the good things about having children. That's why when you ask your mothers or grandmothers or mommy friends about being a mom the only thing they can remember are the good things. Either that or they don't want to scare you out of having children so they only tell you the truth once it's too late. I wish someone would have told me the truth earlier. It wouldn't have stopped me from having kids, but it would have lessened the culture shock that I went through when I realized what it was really like.

On that note, I'm both really looking forward to, and terrified about having my next child. I personally don't think I'm going to be able to handle having two very young children at the same time. I fear that I'm going to have a breakdown due to it. But I'm also excited because babies are so sweet (until colic sets in), and this time I'm not going into it with some sort of ideal about how it's going to be. I think I will be more prepared because I know more about what to expect. I'm also going to try to enjoy those early weeks more. When Josiah was a tiny baby I was always looking ahead, waiting for the day when he'd stop crying, waiting for the day when he'd learn to sleep, waiting for the day when he could do something to interact with me. This time I'm just going to enjoy holding my sleeping baby. I've put away the ideals that I will have a clean house, that I will have time to myself, that I will be able to do crafts or go shopping or have friends. I realize now that being a mom is all about the kids. You spend your day watching Yo Gabba Gabba and making tents out of blankets. You don't get to read a book unless it's Green Eggs and Ham for the 100th time, you don't get to watch a movie unless it's Finding Nemo for the 100th time. Going shopping means a quick run to the grocery store to buy milk and bananas. The only crafts you do are finger painting or coloring. The only time you talk on the phone is when grandma calls to talk to the kid or when the kid wants to call daddy to say he pooped in the potty.

I know all this now. Motherhood is nothing like it looks like on tv. Just like sex and marriage is nothing like it seems in the movies. I have no expectations this time around. I know that it will just be one more person clinging to my body, one more scream filling the airwaves. I will be twice as busy doing nothing and have twice the mess to clean and twice the headache. But I will also have twice the love, twice the smiles, twice the giggles, and twice the joy.