growing up

It has been entirely too long since I've posted. I really should start doing it daily, or at least once a week or once a month. Too much happens in too little of time to go this long without updating. Of course, no one is reading this so it doesn't matter. It's really for my own sanity that I even write. I fear writing on a daily basis because I'm afraid that my husband or family will find this and know the negativity that I sometimes think about my life (including my family).

I have come to the realization recently that I am in denial about my status as a mother/housewife. I ran into some old friends (some of which I have not seen in 18 months or so). It made me sad. I realized that I have nothing in common with them anymore and in fact I am now much older than they are. Most of them are single and none of them have children, nor do they intend to do so in the near future. I felt old. All I had to talk about was my son and the fact that I'm pregnant. I wish that I could have raved on to them about how wonderful it is being a mother and how they should all have children (as many mothers did to me when I was still single). However, all I could think to tell them was about how terrible it is to be pregnant and how much work it is raising a child. Part of me wished I was still in that stage of my life where I could go out to concerts, stay out late, and focus on having fun.

I think what has made me so reluctant to let go of that part of me is because I have no one to relate to. No one in my family has children. And the adults in my family who have had children (aka. my parents) always have told me not to have children because they will ruin your life. (such a nice thing to say to your own child). My siblings do not like children much and think I'm crazy for having one and stupid for getting pregnant a second time. I have one friend who lives in town who has children. But she's a different sort of parent than me, her and her son seem to be much more well adjusted.

I guess I'm saying that I feel as if I get no support in this mothering business (shhhh, don't tell my son's doctor that, I lie to him every time he asks). And I feel as if I have no friends that I can relate to or truly be honest with (other than those few I talk to on facebook, but do they really count when they live hundreds of miles away?) I guess I could always make new friends by talking to ladies at my church or something, but I hate making new friends. It took me 3 years to get to the point with my one friend that I feel comfortable spending an afternoon with her. I just wish my old friends either lived here, or were growing up at the same rate as me. I also wish I could just be content with my stage of life and could be happy as a mother. Then I wouldn't be wishing for people to relate to.