Anxiety

I have no idea what's been causing it but for a week now I haven't been able to sleep. I've had crazy anxiety attacks just at bedtime and I'm also troubled with a cold which doesn't help me sleep any. I'm not sure what's causing the anxiety attacks except for the fact that I'm totally freaked out by the thought of having an infant and a toddler at the same time. I think having the ultrasound made this whole "I'm having another baby" thing more of a reality which in turn caused the anxiety to begin.

Not only am I totally freaked out by the fact that I'm pretty sure I can't juggle two small children at once, but I can't stop thinking about all the things that need to get done before this baby arrives. At night I am constantly going through the list of things I need to do and I'm fretting over the fact that I don't have the time or the energy to do any of them.

The anxiety is not only causing my mind to race at a million miles an hour but it's also beginning to affect me physically. Just as I'm laying down to try and sleep I can feel my arms and legs tense up. They feel almost shaky or twitchy. It's as if I'm shivering, but I'm not actually physically shaking. I also get that horribly tight feeling in my chest that you get when you're about to go on stage, or talk to that boy you really really like. I've tried many things to calm myself down and I can sometimes get the mental part of me relaxed, but then my body continues to spasm. Or I can relax my body but I can't turn my brain off.

On top of it all, I've had a cold for a week now (which is about the same time that the anxiety started). So I'm unable to breathe through my nose at night which has been keeping me up. I think this has a lot to do with the anxiety attacks since I'm obviously overtired. Also since I'm up anyway with my cold it allows my brain to work overtime which increases the worry and anxiety.

I tried to make a list of all the things that I need to do, thinking that having it down on paper would ease my mind a little since I wouldn't be constantly thinking, "what needs to be done next." However, now that I have it all planned out I'm in that stage where I'm excited to get it all done. I must be nesting, or else it's spring fever, I can't really tell. I think about how I really want to go to the hardware store and get all my supplies right now so that first thing in the morning I can start work. Or, like tonight, I think about how I could be taping off the baby's room so that I can get a coat of paint put on during Josiah's naptime.

I know, though, that if I get working on a project this late at night I'm only going to want to keep working on it until I finish, and therefore I wouldn't get any rest at all. So instead I lay there in bed trying to relax my muscles and think about golf (or something equally boring) in order to calm my mind. It's rather unproductive though because I end up laying there for several hours and then I'm neither rested nor have I gotten anything done.

The only night in 7 days that I was able to sleep was Saturday night. And I think that's because on Saturday morning Luke took Josiah away for a few hours and I got the entire main floor of the house cleaned. I think there was something about having things accomplished that allowed me to finally relax. If only I weren't so tired from not sleeping, then I could get something done every day.